Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Fat Kids Stand in the Way of Your Dreams More Than You Realize

You can go ahead and call me a humanitarian for saying this, but fat kids are absolutely ridiculous. Our society is supposed to stand for something. It’s supposed to mean something great. Something flowery. Like honesty. Or integrity. One of those abstract multi-syllible words that sounds abundant. If aliens from another planet were to fly over here tomorrow morning, we’re supposed to have something to show them that would impress them. Something that would make the aliens say, “Well goddamn, Xerxiex-11, their buildings are pathetically primitive beyond description, and they get their light source from equilibrated photons of all things, but that sense of justice their society exudes is downright impressive.”

You know why this scenario could never, ever happen? Because of all the fat kids that would be standing on our front lawns, staring up at the spacecraft with their mouths agape, drooling Twinkie cream all over their shoes. How exactly is our society supposed to stand for something multi-syllibical when our wife’s bruises are visible for everyone to see? You’re starting to see my point. And it doesn’t make you a bad person yet.

Go ahead and look at the fat kids. More than half are fat, so it shouldn’t be a groan worthy field trip assignment. In the event that there’s not one in sight right now though, here:

Now this is exactly what I’m talking about. Look how fat you are, kid. Exactly how many umbilical cords did you have? I mean, do you just eat double QPC's all day and then never move? And can you possibly fit any more chins into your fat-faced frame? You're almost perfectly round for chrissakes. Eugh, just looking at you makes me sick. Your insides are probably ravaged. Blood vessels lodged from a few dozen experimental Fuddruckers burgers you crammed down at 2am one night when your buddies were stoned and needed to gorge on a lot of gross food fast. And now look at you. Just a huge yellow tub of lard sitting out in the backyard, steaming and growing a stench; Grandma says not too get too close to it, but you do anyway and vomit red chunks all over the place. Turns out you have a sinus infection that went undetected for months and now it’s spread to your lungs.

Well you’re probably still better off than sausage fingers here. This one's yawning because merely living has become an exhaustive physical activity. I'm sorry, has our lethargic society worn you out already? That's what happens when your body fat percentage is higher than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's marshmallow percentage. What’s your poison? Barbecue Hot Pockets drizzled with ranch dressing? And then you remember: you're looking at the youth of America. Our hope for the future, and this is what we get to look forward to. A group of moist, lumpy, fat-faced, continuously sweating grown ups that aren’t even remotely prepared to look good in front of the aliens.

Well if everyone else is too afraid to stand up and say something about it, consider this the first stone. I’m ready to tackle child obesity at its roots. Let's stop pumping babies full of breast milk till they're literally crawling everywhere, their cheeks puffed out like a Ugandan boy's stomach. Maybe then we'll have a chance to impress the universe.