Sunday, April 8, 2007

Logan's Run had the Right Idea

[Editor's note: This article is old people friendly for your convenience.]

Okay. It's time somebody told them. It's fun that they don't know yet, and it's cute how easy it is too keep things from them like it's high school volunteering time all over again and we're doing fun experiments at the assisted living home to see what happens when they get the yellow pills without the red ones, but...

Old people. All right. You've been great... you tell us those same stories, over and over; we can't get over how easily impressed you are, especially when we lift things; and that physical decline, boy, what a warning for us. But look ... You are completely useless. It's really time to wrap it up.

Calm down. I expected this. Relax. Pretend it's 1946 or something. Comfortable? Okay. I'm not an old person hater. I'm simply speaking on behalf of the rest of us. I'm just gonna spell it out here. You walk too damn slow. You take too long thinking when I ask you questions. You tire way too easily, and I'm sure you couldn't even withstand more than three punches to the abdomen. You eat the damn flavor of Jell-O pudding that I don't like, taking Jell-O's money and efforts away from creating new damn flavors of Jell-O pudding.
You poop and pee in your drawers. None of us were really ever cool with that.

We could do this the easy way, or we could just stop feeding you soft things.

Mentally and physically, it's pretty much a disaster all across the board. Everything has passed you by and it's really becoming a pain in the ass to keep you up to speed. Teaching you WordPerfect in 1995 was a weekend from hell that I'll never have back, but now cell phones? PDAs? Mp3s?

I think it's starting to become clear now. We're in the age of the now, and you're so a thousand years ago. Your old age might have meant wise stories for people like myself back during the Taft administration, but I got Wikipedia, motherfucker. We're educating ourselves just fine without you, and I think we're all feeling a little like that person at the library when the smelly guy sits way too close. Well we're sticking our elbows way the fuck out and you're not catching on, wrinkles.

So here's my proposal. Everyone grab a shovel and kill an old person. That's right: it's time to go Barbaro on them. No no, it's not cruel. Barbaro was killed because he was experiencing weight-shifting levels of pain. Think about that the next time an 83-year old picks up a nickel in the middle of a crosswalk on your green light. When your weight shifts, the shovel will find its way to their temple. It's the natural way.


Anonymous said...

Hmm. Sounds funny - until it's your turn at Carousel. Just ask Logan.

And it's nice you think you can learn everything you need to know from Wikipedia, but where do you think that knowledge is coming from to begin with?

Providence7 said...

Hey Joey, where do you think your headed, asshole? Everyday is a steady decline, no matter what age you are. And hey, next time you decide to take a good 10 to 20 minutes out of your sorry ass life to write something, how about writing something useful that someone can use or something that might change or save a life. I swear, some people are spawn's from Satan himself. Jeeeeeeez Louise!

This shit was NOT funny...