Thursday, April 5, 2007

Fergie Wants You to Think She's Sexy

I'd like to start off by reminding everybody what year it is. This is a big theme for this topic. It's 2007. We're seven years into the time that everybody was supposed to have hovercars. By the way, still waiting on that one, science. Can we please take a day off from inventing new Hot Pocket breading textures to give that a go? We don't ask for much from you. We just want to drive in the air. Thanks.

The reason for emphasizing the year is simple. We've come to a point as a culture where the complexities of basic health needs, simple diseases, and hygiene have been medically solved and easily remedied. Basic concerns such as "How do I keep my ass from itching after I poop?" are a thing of the past. We now have the ability to focus on improving outward appearance, being healthy, fit, attractive. We appoint our most beautiful people as the spokespeople of humanity, granting them celebrity status, to allow them to take in fame and camera time so that they can reflect to the world just how impressive our species can be.

So what in the name of sweet sweeping Christ in a vacuum cleaner is the story behind Fergie? Did I miss a day of school, because I don't remember it ever, ever being okay to be ugly. In fact, a lot of school time in my heyday was spent ridiculing and harassing the ugliest kid in class until they either had an emotional breakdown or started having sex with everyone by the sixth grade. It was like Survivor before its time.

http://z.about.com/d/beauty/1/0/L/G/fergie.jpg

But someone help me connect the dots on this one. Fergie's by no means attractive. Yet, one of her main selling points in her solo vocal career is that she's "hot." So extremely hot in fact, that a derivative descriptor to the English word delicious was spawned to assist in encapsulating the extent to which Fergie is sexually desirable to the potent male in what can only be described as fergalicious.

Okay, so here's where I'm a little hazy. Fergie... is fucking disgusting. I don't care how much chocolate syrup you pour on a young version of Jennifer Coolidge, my penis is going to be March of the Penguins soft. Why are we not more pissed off? I thought the point of our shallow culture was to advance to the point of refinement where we could close the gates of opportunity on the ugly misshapen asses of physical inferiors. Instead, we seem to be regressing back to the days where (gasp) looks didn't really matter, thanks in large part to wall-to-wall music video blocks featuring this Fergie bitch pulling a Dakota Fanning on pop music.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/media/photo/2002-04/2679786.jpg
At the 1921 Miss America contest, you'd have been committed to a sanitarium for suggesting that someday the event would be masturbatable.

Where are we going with this? Do we want to end up back at the 1921 Miss America contest? Is that what we want? Do I even need to show the photo of the girl that actually won this brown paper bag festival? I thought we had finally discovered through our ever-growing human wisdom that moving penis = marketability. This Fergie/Dakota shit is an indictment on the male consumer, and I will not stand flaccidly by. So please, celebrity gatekeepers. Let's take out the trash. Either Fergie goes or we get hovercars. I'm not budging.

45 comments:

phiz said...

THANK YOU. if your blogs don't allow anonymous comments, you'd probably get more about how awesome your rants are. keep writing. i stumbled you a thumbsup.

Anonymous said...

Fergie is actually hot - damn hot in my eyes...

Just because she doesnt look like all the other "off the press" girls out there, does not mean she is not HOT

Everyone is different - this is what you have forgotten. Do you like Vegemite....or Peanut Butter? Some LOVE it, some HATE it... see my point?

Anonymous said...

i just wanna say your a fuckin dumbass. id like to see you post a pic of yourself next to Fergie then il tel you whos fucking disgusting, and one to a million chances itd be you, your probably just some fatass computer geek that was picked on and made fun of in school and now you wanna get back at someone. Try this for a change... get a life! and stop being a dick... not that you have one

Anonymous said...

Umm are you gay?

Samantha♥Fukuhina said...

She is probably one of the most hideous human beings I've ever laid eyes on. She looks like one of those troll dolls from the 80s. With the jewels in their bellies. Yeah.
She's just disgusting.
And her starting fights with critics makes her a worthless human being too. She's a predatory bitch AND fugly.
She just has no redeeming qualities to justify her fame or existence.
Mystifying.

Anonymous said...

fergies fucking hot i love her!!! and i agree with the person who said ur probly just some computor geek with no life and i bet your 100 times fuglier than fergie in a heartbeat. get a life.

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Anonymous said...

I believe Fergie is attractive and many actresses from hollywood are too, only because they are famous, they are seem like role models to many others. Actually we can find the real inner beauty into any women. I personally rather have a normal good looking women, faitful, honest, loving person, than a famous pretty face woman, slut and money keeper, waiting for the moment to get away with anything they want. Fergie can be pretty but i bet you she doesnt have what many others may and this can be real love and sincere loyalty. Screw the outside beauty, i dont care how sexy this woman can be, but if she is a cocksucker slut, that all she cares is money then where is the role model, where are the real women in this world? are they looking for love, attention, fame?.

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