What? Never heard such outrageous claims before? Come as a shock to you, yes? Well consult an encyclopedia, friend. It’s all in there. But you might want to do so outside of Philadelphia. Because if you even so much as make mention of literature in Philadelphia, even as a joke to say, “Hey, isn’t it friggin retarded to have books?” they’ll take your car and the virginity of your youngest daughter (or sister). And if they catch you reading a book in Philadelphia, well then god help you because then they really get mad and do vindictive things like injecting leprosy in your genitals and snapping the spine of your girlfriend (or book).
Old people are shot on sight in Philadelphia. You could ask the mayor of Philadelphia why that is, but he’d probably shoot you instead of answering. You see, Philadelphia shoots anyone that asks questions. No one is allowed to ask about anything they do there. That’s why they’re still allowed to stow their slowly-developing children in dungeons, execute them unceremoniously and feed them to locally-owned livestock in the form of a buttery spread, like a hummus, which causes them to lick the roof of their mouths all day.
It’s too late for this little boy in Philadelphia. Next stop: the glue factory.
Here’s a fun fact. Did you know that just living in Philadelphia will cause a woman to go sterile? It’s true. It’s debated whether the cause is from the high levels of pollution in Philadelphia, or just the fact that babies have innately stopped developing as an evolutionary defense mechanism. But you won’t see the Philadelphian ladies complaining. They’re just happy that the constant raping in Philadelphia won’t lead to offspring.
Now I’m probably not telling you anything you couldn’t find out in a trip-tix from Triple A. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hear it from somewhere outside of a travel service provider. Cause hell, no one told me that currency in much of Philadelphia was stolen car parts and that hospital patients’ bones were used to pave the streets. No, no one told me. I had to find that out for myself. Through a Philadelphian.
And no, Philadelphian detractors, this has nothing to do with me projecting anger over a falling out with a girl that happens to have been born in Philadelphia. Jennifer. We’re all way past that, and brutally disemboweled hearts have quickly healed. Besides she probably was just lying about her place of birth like they teach you to in Philadelphia, stabbing children with used syringes until they tell their first one. And it’s not like I’d do something so hasty as to lambaste an entire city of people solely based on a single encounter with a scathing, pointy-cheeked two-timing whore that once resided there (in some rusty, overpriced shack where they had to gun down household pets just to put food on the table, no doubt). That probably has little to do with it. Though it’s consistent with the behavior you’d expect from a city that eats its breakfast and lunch out of cancer patients’ bedpans. So you’ll have to excuse me for smiting the city for its open abuse of the elderly, rampant poverty, and raising its girls to be whores and named Jennifer. It must just be that Philadelphia is a shitty, shitty city.
But don’t tell the average Philadelphian. They’ll piss on your face for saying that.
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