Well, if you were me, it would be the sound of the ever-friendly roommate send-off you're getting in your final month's experience sharing a room with someone. There are reasons why people twitch or experience PTSD when recounting their dorming experience with roommates.
In my case, the roommate is loud as fuck. I don't use the word "fuck" lightly here. Please realize the gravity of its usage here. And I can't even explain why the volume seems to be turned up on everything he does. There's still a slight possibility there's a volume knob actually attached to him somewhere, and I can't yet say for sure that it doesn't exist. When he walks in the room, it sounds like he's throwing his feet at the floor (and bitterly, too, as if to constantly express his hate for his feet, his shoes, and the floor). When he closes a drawer, apparently he feels a part of the process is first removing it completely and throwing it as hard as he can against the set of drawers. When he eats, whenever he eats, regardless of texture, it crunches. We're not talking mild crunching either, no. We're talking Grape Nuts commercials crunching. We're talking about the room becoming the inside of the head of the guy eating Doritos in the Dorito's commercials and you can't hear ANYTHING but the constant crunching. I could go on... and I will.
When he eats cereal with his spoon and bowl at 7 AM, it sounds like he's chiseling tile. When he opens his (wouldn't you know it) velcro backpack around that same buttfuck hour of the morning, it sounds like Paul Bunyon ripping down a redwood. When he jerks off it sounds like Ruben Studdard doing a cannonball into an Olympic-sized pool of Jell-O. (Okay I made that last one up. But you get the idea.)
Don't be alarmed... he's probably just hawking something up again.
How does someone grow to be so loud? Was he introduced to objects on his way to college? Did he grow up in a vacuum? Was he raised by deaf-mutes? These questions will remain unanswered. But one thing is for sure: move-out day is only weeks away. But the recurring shaking-a-coffee-can-full-of-rusty-nails sound from when he decides to rearrange clothes in his closet? Ah, those will live on forever.
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