The OTHER Other Simpson

Okay -- Ashlee Simpson. It's been long enough and this needs to be addressed.

What's the deal, Ashlee? Huh? You’re about as destined for stardom as a spray painted street performer who squirts wet farts on people. You wanted to go out and sing like your big sister. We gritted our teeth and bared it. You wanted to show millions how lame you are in your everyday life, so we gave you your own TV show. So what now? You're still here. What -- what do you want us to do with you? I feel like I'm watching the end of a second grade play where one of the slow kids stays on the stage too long just staring ahead at the audience. You're that slow kid, Ashlee, and the rest of us really don’t know where to look.

Boy this is awkward.

Here's why I hate Ugly Simpson. First there's the performances. My god, the performances. She leprechaun danced her way into oblivion on SNL, then got booed off the stage at the Orange Bowl. Seriously, consider that for a second. She was collectively booed by a crowd of 60,000 people. How many people in the world have been subjected to that degree of confrontational disapproval because of their voice? That's right, just Ugly and Roseanne. That's some sucking of epic proportions. Ashlee's taken more cheap shots than a college girl at a garage frat party. We as a country are overall pretty crummy at recognizing poor talent when we see it, but we all seem pretty on target when it comes to Ugly's lack of it.

But SHE WON'T GO AWAY. And this is the part that really gets to me. Ashlee, I know you watch how forgiving America is with stars like Kobe Bryant, who fuck up and then a couple years later leap back into our arms like a household pet. But there's one slight difference between you and them, Ashlee. They have talent. I know, I know, it sounds crazy. What the hell does someone need talent for when they have a last name popularized by an ex-athlete murderer and a well-breasted sister? But you need to have a redeeming quality for us to forgive the ridiculous entourage of failure that you conjure. So appearing on SNL a second time and making fun of yourself for sucking really only makes it worse at this point. You're a joke.

Gosh, if only I could, I don't know, be uglier.

And face it, the girl has had more image makeovers than a Backstreet Boy. I would like to think that I could simply change the channel when she came on TV, but at this point I don't think I can recognize her in time to do it. She had blond hair. Then she had that black clumpy hair that made her look like she belonged in a closet. Then blond hair again. Now a new nose. You know, Barbra Streisand went her whole career and didn't mess with her ugly nose out of fear of changing her voice. Guess that didn't really apply to you, huh. So you tell me, Ashlee. Where do you belong? Eh? What do I do with you? Looking all exactly like your sister now? Am I supposed to be turned on? Is that what you want? Because I am. But you still can't sing.