Women and Sports... That's Adorable

It's a shame to do this, but I'm going to split my audience down the middle right off the bat here. I was channel surfing yesterday, and ran into women fraternizing with my sports programming four times. Four times! I know what you're thinking -- awwwww. But it's not. Stop it. It's not cute, it's not cuddly, and when they're running around bases or jumping in the air to try to reach basketball rims, it's not like watching monkeys play with spaceships.

Not entirely.

You can vote and own property now, and your wages are right up there with the men, ladies. And you have all your W leagues springing up. Bravo. But what really gets me is women trying to report sports news.

Does she know what she's doing? Read the teleprompter, Leslie!

Throughout our sports reporting landscape, there has been an unmistakable epidemic. Women with microphones, telling us what they know about sports. I know. And they're not talking about athletes' new haircuts either. They're the ones giving us real time news regarding some of our favorite sports. Sometimes even from the field of a sporting event, reading us pertinent sporting information. Alright you got me, that one actually is adorable.

But no matter what kinds of backdrops or skirt suits you pick out, studio bigwigs, we know what's going on here. These women don't have a clue what they're talking about. They crinkle their brows and say phrases such as "I talked with the coach" and "After a tough workout today" when we know damn well that time was spent manicuring and going to Jamba Juice.

The gig is up ESPN, ABC, NBC, and Fox Sports. You put some hotties on the air to get a few male viewers aroused and now you just can't seem to get them out of the studio. You wanted to fire them, but they threatened to call you a sexist bastard and tell everyone how Sean Salisbury likes to show everyone pictures of his junk. And now you're stuck with them. They're behind the desk breaking down sporting events, when they don't even know what it's like to run with a penis. They're on the sidelines spouting bullshit stories about how the athletes train for games, like Monday Night Football's Sam[antha] Ryan, who gave us a dissertation last season which consisted of how LaDainian Tomlinson used to test his speed growing up by racing a dog. Way to take the game to new heights, Sam.

These sports girls are a different breed. They talk in a strange, deeper, more masculinely resonating tone. "W-wait, was that a man talking? It sure sounded like one. She must know as much as a man about athletic combat." In some cases they can't tell a TD from a Pro-V or a tight end from a split end. They stand in front of the camera, eyes wide and empty, and read their teleprompter notes, trying not to let their eyes wander Terrell Owens' pregame workout. Don't even try to tell me for a moment that Jillian Barberie even knows what NFL stands for. She's a woman, and a stupid woman at that.

Lisa Guerrero realized her talents were better served posing nude.

You can go ahead and put women in the newsroom. That's fantastic. They're primped and pretty and oh so pumped to become a strong female journalist in the real world. Thrilling. But how about keeping them reporting on the women's world of sports. There's probably a great deal of maternity leaves on the injury reports that beg for analysis. And we can leave real sports reporting to the people who understand it. Fat middle aged men.